Day thirty-one

I'm getting this one in later than usual, mostly because I forgot until now. It's 11:24 pm as I write this, and I'm laying in bed with the lights out as I type this.

Lately, it seems like everyone I know has had some kind of health issue arise. Pregnancy, health scares, surgery, and most immediately for me, my mother's migraines. She hassuffered from them for a while now, but this last one was the worst one in a long time. She had to be temporarily hospitalized just to make sure that it wasn't a stroke.

Things seemed to come to a head today. When Mom felt well enough to get up, we told her to she needed to start managing her headaches. That is, she needed to be more disciplined in dealing with the things that caused her headaches. For example, the doctor told her to completely cut out caffeine. Also, Mom will tend to skip meals. This in turn makes her lightheaded and nauseous, so she won't eat, which causes headaches.

 Mom's behavior is very predictable, and yet like so many of us, she will act the same way and somehow expect that "it'll be different this time."

Please pray that amok would cultivate the discipline to deal with her headaches and what causes them, and that we would be patient and loving in helping her.

Day thirty

Some random thoughts for today (not necessarily uplifting, but random):

-The more time passes, the more I hate the name of this blog. I had to come up with something and I was pressed for time to get a post up on January 1. I had been thinking about the blog since last Thanksgiving, always with the intention of starting on New Year's Day. I never thought about a title because no one really thinks of these things. Whatever the reason, it was a lousy choice.

-In an interview on the Today show, Ringo Starr talked about how he almost did not become a member of the Beatles. When he was eighteen and working in a Liverpool factory, he thought about emigrating from Britain to the US and settling down in Texas. When he went to the Ameridan Consulate and told them he wanted to emigrate, they handed him a large stack of paperwork to fill out. He admitted that it was so much that he couldn't be bothered to take care of it.

-I'm trying to write this through a burgeoning headache. I'm getting on the side of my head, and it's one of those headaches that feels like someone's pressing on my head. It might be the weather. Mom is susceptible to changes in air pressure as when the weather changes, and I'm starting to wonder if it's now happening to me.

…

Like I said, random, not uplifting.

Day twenty-nine

These last couple of days have seemed like one of those periods where it seems like everything's happening at once.

It started yesterday with getting hired at the printing company. I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork for the company and then fax it back so they could have it this morning. Before I even could print out the paperwork, I got a text from my boss saying not to come in today. His wife had back surgery and had developed blood clots, so he wasn't going to be there. If he had come, it would've been just the two of us working., so if he wasn't working, I wasn't working.

The problem is, I had anticipated handing in my letter of resignation today. I had to call him back and tell him that next Thursday is going to be my last day, while also dealing with having a wife in the hospital and running the business for his dad. Fortunately, he was very understanding, as he was well aware that I've been searching for another job.

And then, there's today.

Mom had a very intense migraine today, so intense that she had to go to the hospital just to make sure that she hadn't had a stroke. The worst part is that this is not the first time this has happened. Every time she has the symptoms (slurred speech and numbness), she has to be hospitalized if only to make sure she hasn't had a stroke. Thankfully, it hasn't happened yet, but she has to be careful, as she now know that she is suseptible to having a stroke.

With all this going on, I've been spending much of the last few days in prayer. I've been havingm to take a lot of things to The Lord, trusting in His guiding hand. Please keep my mom and my boss' wife in your prayers.

Day twenty-eight

I want to post this quickly; I won't have time to do so later.

I got a new job today. The printing business where I interviewed on Friday called me today and made me an offer. Actually, I have to spend a couple of hours this afternoon at work wondering what was going on. I wound playing phone tag with the H.R. woman who kept trying to call me at inopportune times for me, and I would call her back, but I had trouble making a clear connection. Finally, I was able to speak to her and I got the job offer while standing at a very noisy bus stop on San Fernando Road in Glendale.

I have a few bits of business to take care of before I start. First of all, I have some paperwork that I have to finish tonight and fax to the printing company by 10:00 tomorrow morning. I go to work tomorrow and I have to give my boss a letter of resignation. I had hoped that I could give two weeks' notice, but they want me to start February 10, which is a week from this coming Monday. Finally, I have to visit a clinic in Van Nuys before Friday, February 7, presumably for a drug test. Pleas pray that I would be able to take care of everything I need to finish.

Thank You, Lord, for hearing my prayers and meeting the needs I have. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me.

Day twenty-seven

I am sleepy. It's 4:39 pm and I want to take a nap, but I shouldn't. I have to be up for work at 4:50 tomorrow morning, and if I take a nap now, I'll fall asleep that much later.

It's so much easier for me to fall asleep during the day than at night. If I went into my room and got into bed, I'd probably fall asleep in about twenty minutes (I said that I fell asleep more easily during the day, not quickly). I need to start giving myself the time wind down before I go to sleep. When I go to bed tonight, I will not fall asleep for at least an hour.

I actually overslept this morning. I woke up at about 4:00 am but managed to get back to sleep. The next thing I know, it's almost 5:30 and my alarm hasn't gone off. I later discovered that my alarm was set, but the alarm time was wrong. I need to be at my bus stop by 5:30 if I want to get to work in Glendale in time to clock in by 7:00. Fortunately, I was able to get to work on time; Mom had to take me, but we made it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, except perhaps that it happened to me and I could write about it. Maybe something much more interesting will happen tomorrow.

Day twenty-six

Today I heard a very eye-opening message at church. In our fellowship group, we have been going through Ephesians chapter 6, in particular the section about the armor of God. In beginning his message, our pastor pointed out that while we are called to wrestle against sin, sometimes the struggle can been sinfully redirected at God. We can sometime find ourselves struggling against the One who promised to be our strength in times of struggle, invoking the literal example of Jacob's wrestling with God where his hip was put out of joint by God's touch.

It made me realize that I had been grappling with God myself. Rather than submitting to Him as I ought to have been, I had been resisting Him, His love, and His instruction. I was dragging my feet with The Lord, failing to trust Him and sometimes not really wanting to trust.

Rather than being discouraged, I was convicted. That one point in the message made me see where I had been struggling. When I got home, I prayed to The Lord, pleading with Him that He help me to stop fighting Him and to start trusting Him as I should.

Now, my heart is still, filled with the peace of God which I haven't felt in a good while. Not that it was ever removed, but that my heart was in a place where sin was preventing from seeing and experiencing its reality.

Day twenty-five

Today was a day of blessings. It didn't really seem that way at first.

I woke this morning feeling exhausted, having had a very restless night. I had a very vivid dream (I can't really recall much of it beyond its vividness) that kept waking me up. Hopefully, I'll sleep better tonight. I spent a good part of the day having that kind of fatigue so intense that it makes you feel sick. I didn't want to go anywhere or do much of anything.

But as the morning went on, things began to change.

Today was the belated birthday party for my friend Samantha. The party's theme was described as "the movie Up with a Texas twist" in the invitation. My thought process was as follows: "Up…Texas…yellow roses". We were able to find some, having prayed that we would be able to do so.

My mom and I got to the party about half an hour late, and had to duck out about an hour early, but everyone had a good time. Mom, unfortunately, took a bit of a tumble at the party, but she's okay apart from some soreness.

For me, it was getting to see my friends with whom I hadn't been in touch for a while. Samie and her husband Josh are preparing to move to Texas in March, and as with any move, there are a million details. My other friends, Aaron and his wife Jen, are trying to find a new place for themselves, as well Aaron having a load of schoolwork and dealing with the matters of his mother's recent passing.

One might ask how all of this is a blessing. The fact is that I all too easily remove myself from other people. I lived a very isolated life for a very long time, and I speak from personal experience that it is a miserable way to live. When I isolate, eventually my thoughts turn inward, and nothing makes me as miserable as thinking about myself. I'd much rather think of others, which is not easy to do when you hold them at further than arms' length.

Scripture reminds us not to forsake gathering together as brothers in fellowship, so that weary build up one another. Although I still struggle with withdrawing from others, I need that time with others. It is a good reminder of God's blessing to me, and He has changed me for His glory and for my good.

Day twenty-four

I had my job interview this morning. I'm happy to report that it went very well. Once I got there, I had to fill out a formal application, which gave me time to stop and calm down. This time around, I was a lot more comfortable and a lot more confident. Thank you, Lord, for watching over me and thank you to those who were praying for me.

When I went for the pharmacy interview in December, I must have seemed as unprepared as I felt. Although I tried to be optimistic, I walked out of that building knowing I wasn't going to be hired. It's hard to sell yourself to a potential employer if you're not sure about you're selling. I know I wouldn't have hired me. This time however, I was more calm and felt better able to sell myself.

I've spent the last week in prayer about a lot of things. I prayed that my back would get better (it has), that I would be ready for the interview (I was), and that I would trust God in whatever circumstance He allowed. This last one has been my most fervent prayer, as it's the one with which I struggle most. I struggle in trusting God as I ought to, that is, fully and always. When I finished reading the very good book Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, I realized that while I had trusted The Lord to be my Savior, I wasn't trusting Him to be The Lord of my life. At least, not the way I ought to have been.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." I struggle with surrendering to God and trusting Him implicitly. I face the sometimes daunting temptation to demand answers from God, asking why He allows some things to happen and not others, especially when he sometimes allows seems harsh or difficult. I've spent a lot of time in prayer about this issue, and still I struggle. 

Still, God is good to me. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to "cast your cares upon The Lord, for He cares for you." God is faithful to all of us, and He is certainly faithful to me. Pray that I would continue to turn from the bitter, particularly disheartening sin of distrust. The Lord deserves my love and trust, and I want to give it to Him fully.

Day twenty-three

Tomorrow is my job interview. While I'm a little nervous about it, I'm not nearly so anxious as I once would've been. Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." I've been praying a lot this week about this interview. The thing is that while I've prayed that I would trust God whether I get the job or not, I haven't prayed that He would give me the job, but that I would trust Him that His will would be accomplished.

For me, it has more important for me to trust God whether or not I get the job. Ecclesiastes 7:14 says "In the day of prosperity be joyful, But in the day of adversity consider: Surely God has appointed the one as well as the other…" I need the constant reminder that God is sovereign in all circumstances, good and bad. I need to trust The Lord if I get hired tomorrow, and I need to trust Him if I walk in there and find they've already hired someone else (it was implied that others had already been interviewed by the suggestion that a decision could have already been made by the time they saw me). 

I keep thinking about last interview and how I really wasn't supposed to get that job. That interview was meant to be a learning experience, one I really needed. I should've been ready to be interviewed and I wasn't. But I need to remember, The Lord knew I needed that experience. I needed to trust The Lord in that circumstance, and I needed to be prepared for it. God is sovereign, but His sovereignty doesn't absolve me of the responsibilities I have. 

Anyway, I'll write again tomorrow to let you know what happens.

Day twenty-two

Doing better. Last night, I was sitting in one of our easy chairs, and when I shifted slightly, my lower back cracked audibly. I felt relief almost immediately. Thank you to those who have been praying for me, and thank you, Lord.

As I've been facing this job interview, I've had a lot of things on my mind. I know that if they hire me, they want me to work afternoons and evenings. This wouldn't be a big deal, except that if they hire me, I'll have to quit Bible study. When they called me last Thursday, they told me that I could eventually move to the day shift.

The night shift, they told me, tends to be the busiest time of the day. I don't mind working in a busy environment. I tend to be a clock watcher, especially when work slows down. I'd much rather stay busy, so that the day will seem to go by more quickly. I know it will be an adjustment for me, because while I have worked full-time, it's never been a five-day work week.

In top of all that, because I had to reschedule my interview, there's always the possibility that they've already filled the open position. When I called to reschedule Monday morning, the woman I spoke to said that H.R. Might make their decision that week. I chose to run the risk of rescheduling because I was in no shape to get through an interview. I was just in too much pain. I couldn't even sit upright comfortably for more than a couple of minutes. Fortunately, I'm feeling a lot better today, answered prayer.

Above all else, I've needed to trust in God in these circumstances. I could go in Friday morning just to find out the position's filled, or God may open a door for me in that direction. I'll let you know what happens.

Day twenty-one

Recently, I've been posting late in the day, typically because I've been forgetting about doing that day's post until the late evening. It's 5:20 pm as I write this, and if I'm laying flat on my back in bed (still dealing wih back problems), then I might as well be flat on my back typing on my iPod Touch.

Of course, more often than not I don't usually have a topic in mind when I sit down to write. When I started this blog, I didn't realize it would actually be so difficult to actually come up with just one thing to write about every day. As I've mentioned previously, my single goal was simply to update daily. Here we are three weeks in, and I'm amazed that I've kept this up this long. When I started on January 1st, I thought I would get about two weeks in, get bored with having to write daily, and quit.

There have been moments where I've thought about packing it in. Nobody makes me write this blog, only myself. It's certainly not financially lucrative. Admittedly, I've always been a little afraid that writing this blog would turn into a chore. So why do I write?

I write because I enjoy it. I write because I know that people read this blog. I write because it's allowed me to say things about myself that I would not have said otherwise. I write because I am not verbally articulate and I've come to realize that I can beast express myself when I write rather than when I speak.

I've have experiences in my life in which I believe God has a purpose. Many of them were bad, others seemed bad at the time. Even I can't always see or know what God intends for me, I can trust that He will always act for His glory and my good. I pray that I would always be more mindful of that fact.

Day twenty

I've thought about writing about or dog Chewy before, but I've had difficulties in adding photos to the blog. If you came here from Facebook, there's photos of him there. If not, Chewy is a black and white long-haired Chihuahua. All that to say, Google+ photo albums are worthless.

We have had Chewy since Christmas week, 2011. My sister Olivia was out with her friend, and she found him wandering in the parking lot of our local Carl's Jr. When she brought him home, we looked him over and realized a few things: he was hungry but not starving, he wasn't really dirty, and he was used to being handled. Clearly, he belonged to somebody.



My sisters originally didn't want to give him back, reasoning that whoever he belonged to should've taken better care for him not to get loose. I argued that if either of our dogs wandered off, we would want someone to at least try to bring them back. We printed out a bunch of posters with a very clear discription of what he looked like, and put them in the general area where my sister found Chewy. And we waited.

No one ever contacted us. Someone even took down the posters we put up. I have no idea who did it.

It didn't take very long for me to come to the conclusion that whomever Chewy had belonged, they let him go. I have never had a dog so poorly behaved. He barks until you shower him with attention, steals treats from both of our other dogs, intimidates poor Buddy (who is part pit bull), and will destroy just about anything he can get his teeth around. That's how he got the name.

He's also got that little dog bravado that makes him think he's a big dog. Ever since we returned of border collie Sadie to her previous owners, Chewy has been trying to assert himself as the alpha male of the group. The worst part is that he may actually succeed, what with high-strung & needy Herbie and poor sweet-natured Buddy, both of whom are larger than Chewy.

So if Chewy's so bad, why do we keep him? Honestly, he can't afford to turned out of another house. He'd never make it on the steers; he's been too coddled. And, however reluctantly I admit this, we'd miss him. He has made a place for himself in this family. He's a dog we've all come to tolerate. Maybe even love him.

Day nineteen

I have something I want to get off my chest. While I certainly haven't meant to do so, I feel like my last few post have a tone of complaint. When I started writing, I never wanted this blog to turn into a forum for me to just rant and rave. The world has enough people complaining, but the people who complain the loudest and most frequently are often hard-pressed to give an answer, if they even have one.

Truth be told, I can't really complain nor should I. Of course, anyone can think of reasons to complain about anything. I'm still dealing with my back issues, for instance. Still, my life is now far better than it ever was and could've been, since I was saved almost two years ago. Even though my physical circumstances haven't really changed, things are different because I have changed, or rather, because God has changed me. He took away the "heart of stone" and has given me the "heart of flesh" as described in Ezekiel 36.

My life still had its problems; Job 5:7 says, "man is born to trouble surely as sparks fly upward." Still, my life is richer than it ever was before. Because it I can trust in The Lord and have confidence in Him, I have overcome (and am overcoming) the old fear and pride that once crippled me. And, if left to themselves, fear and pride can grow like weeds until they choke out everything else. They don't die out on their own; they have to be dug out by the roots. It can be astounding how deep those roots run. This is one of those points where I have to stop and remember that God is good to me, that He loves and cares for me, and chooses to glorify Himself in that love. Never out of any obligation, but because He chooses to make Himself available to us, to be a Father to his children.

Day eighteen

I finally feel comfortable enough that I can sit upright for a little while. I'm sittng in the easy chair in our living room as I write this, well aware that the longer I sit, the more uncomfortable I will grow (and am growing). It is actually more comfortable for me to stand than sit, and I can't even do that for very long.

I keep thinking about my job interview this Monday. If my back isn't better by then, I'll have to reschedule, something I'd rather not do. I could always just go, but I run the risk of getting worse before I get better. I still can't walk very far or even at a regular pace. After I spoke to them on Thursday afternoon, they sent me an email that said to contact them ASAP if I couldn't make my appointment. I can look back and realize that this was a blessing at least. God does watch out for me (and all of us) in ways we don't see coming.

I also find myself wondering what God is trying to teach me with this back issue. It is patience? Is it trust? Is it both, or even neither? Is it to take better care of myself physically (something that's been weighing on my mind more and more)? I don't know. Scripture reminds us to "wait on The Lord", and trust that He will accomplish what He intends in His own time. I confess that I am rarely as patient as I ought to be, with The Lord or anyone else. Although I have become more patient than before, I still have a long way to go. The problem is that I can't wait to get there.

…

Okay, I'm standing up now. It's still way too uncomfortable to sit for very long.

Day seventeen

As I write this, it's 5:37 pm and I've had to spend much of the day in bed. I hurt my back late this morning. I spent about an hour soaking in a hot bath, I'm due to take some more Tylenol, and I really should be using a heating pad.

I've been hoping and praying that I will get better soon. I have that job interview on Monday morning and I can barely walk around. I can always call and reschedule, though I'd rather not if I can avoid it. Pray that I'll be better by then, Lord willing, but if not that I would be able to interview at a later date. Whatever happens, I need to trust God in all this, because He is sovereign in all things.

The Book of Proverbs says to "trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding". This is not easy for us as human beings to do; we are each inclined to trust ourselves. Proverbs tells us not to do this; rather "do not be wise in your own eyes; fear The Lord and shun evil." I certainly struggle with trusting in God as I know in my mind and heart I ought to. Still, God impresses on my heart to pray when I am struggling to trust Him as I should. I'm growing , slowly but  surely.

I need to be reminded constantly that The Lord is good to me, that He has always been good to me. He loves me and has chosen to glorify Himself in being a gracious Savior and a loving Father. I pray that I would trust Him in everything, in every circumstance.

Day sixteen

I am very sleepy as I write this. I have been up since 4:50 this morning after a night of sleeping very poorly. Hopefully, I'll sleep better tonight. I don't have to wake up so early tomorrow.

Not long after I got home from work today, I got an unexpected phone call. I got a callback for an inquiry I had made about a job posting on Craigslist. A digital printing company in Van Nuys wants someone to pack orders for them afternoons and evenings. I have an interview with the company on Monday morning. If I get hired, I'll finally be working full time and only a little more than 1-1/2 miles from home. Right now, I have to take two buses to and from Glendale, and I'm not even working full time.

I had the chance to schedule the interview for tomorrow, but I wanted time to be ready. I did my last job interview (with the closed-door pharmacy for which I was not hired, incidentally) on only 2-1/2 hours notice. At the time, I was glad that I didn't have a lot of time to be nervous, but I know I would've liked to have had more time to prepare. Even though I wanted to be optimistic and was praying that I would leave it in God's hands, I walked out of that building knowing I didn't get the job. Frankly, I would've been more surprised if I actually had been hired.

This time, I at least have the luxury of being ready but not rushed. I can make sure I have the current version of my resumé, I can consider the kinds of questions they typically ask in these interviews (Why should I hire you? Where do you see yourself in five years?), and I can ask as many people as I can to pray for me & that I would trust God to lead me where He would have me go.

Also, I scheduled the interview for Monday because I'm very tired. this has been an easy week, but I really wear it when I don't sleep well.

Day fifteen

I want to throw this post up now. After being off all week, I got called into work tomorrow. I have to get ready for bed soon, since I need to catch the bus at 5:30 in the morning. Plus, I'd forgotten I need to do this, and there's no other time to do so.

In the almost two years since I got saved, I've bought or been given a number of Christian books. A few of the. I have read, several I haven't getting to yet. One that I've started but have yet to finish is The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott. The men in our old Bible study were reading through the book before our study brought up a few months ago. I've always meant to pick it up again and finish it. I'm not married, but I would like to get married someday. Lord know that I could always have a better biblical understanding of marriage, and what God wants of me as a (future) godly husband. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Meanwhile, my mom and mom drove my sister back up to Fresno today. Tomorrow, she begins the spring semester at Fresno State. They're supposed to be back sometime tomorrow afternoon. For me, with these kinds of long car trips, the best thing that can possibly happen is nothing. I don't mind making stops when necessary, but I prefer trying to get as far as possible as quickly as possible.

…

Yes, this what happens when you have to rush to do something you're supposed to be doing everyday. I promise I'll try better tomorrow.

Day fourteen

In thinking of a topic for today's post, I was reminded of a writing exercise I used to do when I was a senior in high school. I've find it to be a surprisingly effective way for me to actually sit down and begin writing something.

About once a week or so, my government class teacher would have us write journal entries for about fifteen minutes or so. We could write whatever we wanted, which I found rather difficult. If I were given a topic, I could always come up with something that was at least passable. If left to myself, I would often be stumped to come up with anything. One day, probably because I was in a bad mood, I began to write about having nothing to write about. I spitballed a couple of paragraphs about how I found it difficult to write extemporaneously. Surprisingly, my teacher accepted it, if only because it was an attempt at writing. I did it a few times, and each time my teacher accepted it.

There have been a couple of posts here that have been the result of that sort of exercise. Part of it is working to keep up with writing daily. Part of it is the reluctance to just publish anything, which I sort of did yesterday. I don't really want to generate content that just functions as space filler between more interesting items.

So how does it work? Just start writing. Don't worry about it being good at first, because as you do more of it, you will improve. Besides, you can always edit. Anytime I sit down to write something, at least once I will type out an entire sentence, find that I'm not happy with it, and will rewrite it; this very sentence, for example. The ability of self-edit is a valuable skill to cultivate as a writer.

How do you keep writing? Write about what interests you, especially if you're doing something like this wher you're not beholden to anyone but yourself. If you're not interested in the topic about which you're writing, it will come through in your work, and it will be just as uninteresting for your audience to read. If you're interested, you can capture the interest of your readers.

I should wrap this up, since while I've improved as a writer, I've still not quite figured out how to write good endings.

Day thirteen

Thirteen days into this blog, there will be one minor change coming. Pending approval from Google AdSense, fairly soon there will be ads running on this blog. I can pick and choose what types of ads I want to have run here, so hopefully I'll be able to filter out anything inappropriate. they tell me that the more I blog, the more revenue I would generate, but I'm already doing it daily and I don't want to put just anything up to generate more page views.

That's all for today. If I think of anything, I may wait and hold it over for tomorrow. If I'm being this selective, I'll probably need it.

...

Update from Day five: the couch is broken again. Maybe we didn't use enough duct tape. 

Day twelve

My dad and sister are back from Fresno today, having found an apartment. They got home safely late this morning, so there's answered prayer. I hope that it works out for her.

As I get older, I found myself wondering more and more about the woman that (I hope) God has in mind for me. I have wanted to have a girlfriend for a long time. I often wonder where she's at in her life. Do I know her? Have I even met her yet? Does she know The Lord? Will I have to go somewhere near or far to find her? I find these things taking up more of my thoughts.

Whatever I think or feel, I am honestly not ready for a relationship. I have never had a girlfriend, and for a long time, it was not a good idea for me to have had one. Before I was saved, I had too many bad attitudes and ideas for me to have ever been good for any woman. Even now,I have so much growing to do in my walk with The Lord that having a girlfriend seems like it would be a distraction. My dad tells me that God will lead me to her (and her to me) in His time, and that He will inevitably use her to cause me to grow, and vice versa.

I think The Lord is using these things to keep me in prayer, even more so than me fore. Heaven knows that my trust in God needs to grow, but God is faithful and is answering my prayers, if in a manner that He seems to be using me to learn patience.

Day eleven

Proverbs 16:18 (NIV) says "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." As I've been asking The Lord to help me become more humble, I've had to face a very unpleasant truth about myself: I must deal with being bitterly prideful, even after the gift of God's grace in His Son. I know how bitter this pride can be. I believe in all seriousness that it nearly killed me. I believe I was brought very close to learning what it means to die from despair. 

The kind of bitter pride that I lived with the last couple of years of my life before I got saved is strangulating, it chokes away any capacity to love anyone but the self. Not that there was anything lovely about me of which to speak. It eventually diminishes any reason to live, other than perhaps simply being afraid to die, as I rightly was. It poisons the soul so thoroughly that you can't ever think that anyone know or understands how you feel.

Pride can kill like a slow-acting toxin, and I nearly succumbed.

And yet, God was good to me in all that, though I was not yet at a place where I could see His goodness. He kept me from doing anymore more destructive to myself of others. He broke my hardened heart and broke it so completely that I had to cry out or die. I truly believe that if I hadn't been saved, I honestly don't think I'd be alive. But God intended for me to live, to live for His glory, to be one in whom He chose to be glorified by pouring out His grace. Isaiah 57:15 says, "For thus says the High and Lofty One Who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holyplace, With him who has a contrite and humble spirit, To revive the spirit of the humble, And to revive the heart the contrite ones." And in struggling with this same old foolish pride, I can lose sight of that so easily. Yet God is always faithful to me, faithful to forgive me and to remind me of His goodness.

I don't know who will see this. I can't say that I got up this morning planning to write about these things. I'm still learning to share about myself, especially something so intensely personal, and at the time, so painful. But maybe, someone who's struggling will see this and realize that there are those who understand, those who have been where they are now, and will come to see what they need is The Lord and His gracious forgiveness.

Day ten

My dad and my sister took off for Fresno today, looking at apartments for the spring at Fresno State. Lord willing she'll be able to find a place to live for this semester.

In other news, my job search continues. I sent out more applications today, trying to see if I can land someplace closer to home. Where I work now in Glendale, I need to get up at 4:50 am to catch the first of two buses to get to work by 7:00. I don't really like having to do it, but I prayed that God would enable me to adjust.

I like where I work, but it's becoming more and more clear to me that I can't really stay there. I can't really afford to stay there, I want and need to pick up more hours, and while I've picked up a few more responsibilities and skills in office work, there's not really any chance for advancement. I know they would give me more hours more consistently if they could, but they can't.

I've actually worked for this company twice. I first got hired the day after Labor Day 2004. It was my first job, and I found it through my oldest sister's friend, who had just started working there himself. I worked four days a week, ten and a half hours a day. Looking back, it amazes me that I could do those long days, working a compressed full-time schedule. For a time, I was perfectly content to stay there forever; I really entertained the idea of making a career out of a job I got a year out of high school.

Eventually, I scaled my hours back as I moved through college, until January 2008 when they laid me off. The business had been slowing down those last few months until they had to let me go. Fast forward to October 2012; in those years, I've finished college, completed pharmacy technician training, and got saved. Word gets to them that I'm not working (my boss goes to my church), and they need somebody on an as-needed basis. They call me up to come in on the day after my birthday, and I've been back over since. And now, it's time to move on. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Day nine

Another fairly late post, but I'm making it on time on the West Coast.

Everyone has those days where it seems like everything that happens has to happen in the most difficult way possible. Today was one of those days for me. I won't go into detail, but I need to remember that God had a purpose in those difficulties. I'm not going to say that it didn't make for a frustrating day, but that I need to stop and see what God is doing in me.

Lately, I've been praying to The Lord that He would give me a more humble heart. At the same time, it seems like more things are trying my patience. Galatians 5 :22-23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law". While I can see the fruit in my life, I can also see more and more where I need to grow.

 I struggle mightily with patience; my patience is shamefully short. I've really only begun to see how patience and humility go hand in hand. Humility is putting others before yourself, and that inherently demands patience. We as Christians are called to humility regardless of circumstance, and there are times when those circumstances are difficult or uncomfortable.

I am by no means holding myself up as a model of patience simply because I know these things; there's a difference between knowledge and application. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 reminds believers that we are to be patient with everyone (I had to look up this verse). God has been making me more patient with others, far more than I ever was when I was unsaved. But I also realize that God is showing me the depth of my impatience so that  I may repent and turn from it.

Lord, help me to turn from wrath and impatience; help me to cultivate love and patience. Amen. 

Day eight

Sitting on the floor in our living, watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, simultaneously listening to "A Summer Song" by Chad & Jeremy and my brother ranting about the disadvantages of take-and-bake pizza.

This particular episode of MST3K features the "classic" horror film The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. It just tries to be too many things (horror movie, suspense thriller, musical) and doesn't really succeed at any of them. It's a little better than most other Z-grade horror movies, though. While this movie is padded like any bad film straining to reach a feature-length running time, the musical numbers (which have absolutely no bearing on the plot) are at least somewhat entertaining, though they range from competent to comical, in the worst way.

Still, it's better than The Creeping Terror. This might be the flat-out worst movie I've ever seen. It has all the hallmarks of a great bad movie, especially in horror/sci-fi: terrible writing, bad acting, shoddy technical work, horrendous pacing issues (a two-and-a-half hour long movie that's only an hour and sixteen minutes in actual length), and the strain to stretch the lame premise to fill even that sub-feature length. If you check the previous link, you can see the full movie on YouTube. It won't be enriching, but you will find yourself wondering how someone ever thought it was a good idea. 

Day seven

Recently, I've begun reading through the Book of Proverbs. Today I read chapter 18; this is the first verse:

"A man who isolates himself seeks
      his own desire;
He rages against all wise
      judgement."

Do you find that your behavior is different when you are alone? I know mine is different. I turn moody, my thoughts turn mean, and I spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I just waste so much time. When I get to be around my friends, I become warmer, more gregarious, and I am reminded very clearly how good God is to me. The love God has given me is real, but so are the sins of self-interest with which I struggle.

I lived a very large part of my life alone. I mean, I was living where I am now, with my family, but I had essentially cut myself off from any sort of unnecessary human contact. Of course, for me that meant nearly all human contact of any kind. I wasn't in school, I was unemployed, I wasn't saved. It is (and was) a miserable way to live.

I still have to contend with the tendency to isolate. Although I've gotten better, it still takes time and effort to muster the energy and willingness to reach out to others. Since I've been saved, I have not regretted any opportunity to spend time with friends, to have the pleasure and encouragement of fellowship. Still, I will find myself approaching such situations with a certain degree of reluctance. Many is the time that I've had to stop, pray that God will help me to do right, and to remember how much better things are now than how they were before. Then I go and have a good time.

Day six

No Chewy today. I got something I definitely want to write about.

As part of ongoing job search, I get daily emails from groups like Monster, CareerBuilder, and a few others. Yesterday, I got an email offering the potential to be paid for blogging. Just now, I saw about following up on that prospect. The website offered the forum for people to write what were basically columns where people could pose questions in a particular area of expertise and try to answer them.

That's all well and good, but it just doesn't work for me for a few reasons. One, I'm not really an expert at any particular subject, at least not in a way that's particularly meaningful. I guess the old expression applies, "jack of all trades, master of nothing". I'm more of a problem-solver, looking at a particular situation and coming up with the best possible solution. Second, I personally prefer this format; I just want to be able to write what interests me on that particular day. If, Lord willing this becomes lucrative, I want to be able to do it the way I want to do it. Third, although the site claims the potential to earn several thousand dollars a month, there's the more likely possibility that I would make little to no money at all, since any money made would be based on page views and ad revenue. I would have to hang with it quite a while before it evens begins to become monetarily worthwhile.

At this point, I'm just doing this for me. I hope that people out there reading this get something out of what I write, but I'd rather do it this way and have the freedom to write about what catches my attention.

So, no blogging for money. Not unless, someone out there is willing to pay me for this.

Day five

I was going to write about my dog, Chewy, but I wanted to add a photo and Google+ is not cooperating in that area at the moment. Let's try that again tomorrow.

Right now, I'm sitting on the love seat in our living room. The back of the seat is broken, more or less hanging off the actual seat. The back of the seat is up against the wall underneath our living room window. Since in all likelihood we will get rid of this couch fairly soon, my brother and I have been having a semi-serious discussion about how much duct tape it would take to secure the back of the love seat back into place. I find myself vacillating between whether we should try to "fix" the couch or not. If Mom notices, she will not like it; on the other hand, there is also the great likelihood that she will not notice at all. The dogs tend to use the love seat for sleeping, and because of the broken back, it rarely is ever sat on.

…

Alright, my brother and I are going to try it. Let's see what happens.

…

Okay, it's upright. Let's see if it holds up.

Day four

Right now, I'm with my brother watching the first episode of the 1970s  Wonder Woman series starring Lynda Carter. According to TV Tropes, the first season was set during World War II. That explains why Wonder Woman is being used to sell war bonds like Captain America in the  2011 movie.

All that to say, I'm spitballing for something to write about tonight. I'd hate to think that I'm already struggling to write for this blog, but I should've realized that there would be times when I wouldn't always have something to talk about.

Part of the problem is the promise to update every day. I realized that if I wanted people to keep reading what I wrote, and for me to have the discipline to keep doing this, I had to do it every day. Because anyone can blog theoretically, I would imagine that people tend to think that blogging is easier than it is. The truth is that writing, like any other work, takes discipline. I've never been a very disciplined writer. When I was in school, I would wait until the night before papers were due to write them, and I would always get a good grade. For me, the most difficult thing, even more than having anything to write about, was simply having (or not having) the motivation to actually sit down and write.

Okay, I've managed to squeeze one blog post out of that. We're good.

Day three

This post is getting in a little under the wire, but I want to stick to my daily update rule.

One week ago, I had a job interview, a closed-door pharmacy in Van Nuys. Closed-door means they don't deal directly with patients. They fill institutional orders for nursing homes, etc. It was the first job interview I've had in a very long time. It's made me realize a few things:

1) I am very out-of-practice when it comes to pharmacy work. I have not practiced since I finished school, and that was four years ago next month.

2) If I were in the place of the man who interviewed me, I wouldn't hire me. I had to admit to him that I have always struggled with the drugs' names, something that is foundational to pharmacy work.

3) I need to be better prepared for my next interview. Because of a mixup, I showed up to the interview with an outdated version of my resume. It didn't help that it was Christmas week and I was not expecting to hear from them so quickly; I was invited for an interview just one day after responding via email to their Craigslist ad.

Regarding that last point, though: I do have to admit that having only three hours to get ready for an interview was a small blessing on God's part. If I had more time than that, even just a day, I would have come to the interview extremely nervous. I didn't really have time to be anxious. I did spend a good part of those 2-1/2 hours just praying that I wouldn't be too nervous and He answered my prayer. If nothing else comes from it, it helped me to become less anxious about future job interviews and to be prepared for them even on short notice.

Now, I pray that I trust The Lord to lead me to the job He means for me (to paraphrase the apostle Peter, that I would cast my cares upon The Lord), and that I would be faithful in seeking  it our.

Day two

As I write this, I am sitting in my room typing on my iPod Touch, finishing a footlong peppermint stick I was given for Christmas. Not easy if you're like me, and you're a little bit of a bit mouth breather. 

I just found the other day that my friend Eneida is pregnant with her first child, and of course she and her husband Rudy are thrilled. What surprised me was how thrilled I turned out to be. There was a time in my life not too long ago when I didn't (and couldn't) care about these things. Since I got saved two years ago this March 28 (just three days before Rudy and Eneida's anniversary incidentally), God has given me a loving heart I never had before. I love The Lord and I'm grateful that He chose to save me, but the clearest sign that he has forgiven me is that I love others that I could not love before.

Not long before I was saved, I had come to a point where I was totally despondent. I was alone, miserable, and utterly consumed by fear. I was so frustrated that I wanted to die, but too scared to do anything about it. When you're that lost in yourself, you think nobody understands. I now see that isn't true and never was so. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind." Looking back with a new heart and almost two years of perspective, I can say emphatically that I was wrong. No mater how much I thought people didn't understand me, it was I who didn't understand. My struggles were (and are) mine, but they are not totally unique. If they were, I wouldn't be human; I would be a thing apart. 

Day one

This blog is the result of a lot of time spent thinking (and some praying) about what I wanted this blog to be, and a bit of inspiration by a friend. At a Thanksgiving party this last November, while discussing what I wanted to do with my life with my friend Joshua, I realized there was a part that wanted to write, something I thought I'd let go of long ago.

At this time, I have only two goals with this blog. First, no matter what I think or how I feel, I want to update every day. Even if it's something as simple as just posting a video or a link to something interesting, I want to cultivate the discipline to maintain this blog.

Secondly, I want to speak plainly to whoever chooses to read what I write. I want to share things that are genuinely interesting to read, and for me, things that are genuinely interesting to write about. My one rule is "If I wouldn't read about it, I won't write about it."

So, we'll see where this year goes, where The Lord leads me, and whether I can come up with at least one interesting thing per day about which to write.