I realized something about myself while at work yesterday.
I've been a spiritual brat. I don't really know how else to put it.
I think it all started when I faced the possibility of being promoted. I didn't really want it, but I chose to accept the possibility because I think God wanted me to do it. I like my job sometimes and I hate it sometimes, but I've never loved it. I didn't really want more responsibility at a job I wasn't keen on keeping.
I think I was ignoring my bad attitude, and when you ignore a sin of any kind, it doesn't go away. It festers and starts to affect everything else. I've been walking around for weeks carrying all this inside my heart. It rotted my spirit, and more importantly, hampered my trusting God as I ought to have been. I found myself growing bitter, nasty, and even hateful toward others and especially toward God.
And I was so lost inside myself, I didn't know why I felt the way I did. I certainly didn't want to be any of these things. I couldn't make send of what was happening, I just desperately wanted it to stop.
The more I think of it, the more I think it's all part of God answering my prayer to have a more humble heart. I had to face a lot of horrible sins that rose up out of the depths of my soul. I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and eagerness to forgive. I had so much over the past few weeks that I needed to have forgiven and I'm thankful that God is so willing and eager to forgive. There's nothing else.
I still get so caught up in myself and my own sins that I keep falling into those sins. Nothing makes me more miserable than thinking about myself. At the same time, as anyone can tell you, nothing comes much easier.
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